Wagwau Jamesa - PARENTS FORUM member from Uganda - writes about parenting and education. "...Thanks for welcoming me to PARENTS FORUM. I feel honoured to be part of an organization that strives to inculcate family values and parenting skills to make better parents worldwide."

If you went with your child to an island with no television to watch, newspaper to read, or toys to play with, for how long would you interact or sustain a conversation? I can visualize your child opting to sleep after you have gazed at each other with nothing to talk about. Irrespective of your child's age, have you ever held an intimate conversation?

Recently, I escorted a friend to visit her son at a boarding school. The boy was called from class and the parent had to wait for half an hour to see the class teacher. I felt it wasn't polite for me to hover around my friend while she was with her son. I excused myself and stepped aside. After exchanging greetings, mother and son gazed at each other in total silence. I teased her that they looked like strangers in a blind date at a beach.

“What conversation can I hold with that young boy?” she said. It then struck me that my friend might be falling within the category of parents who talk with children but fail to communicate.

Social research on family communication shows that most parents spend very little time talking to their children. When they speak, it is often to do with registering a complaint, giving a command or request for assistance. This mode of communication is becoming common even among adults. A man once told me that he intentionally had to make a mistake to draw his boss's attention. Every time his boss opened his mouth, it was never a compliment but a complaint, command or pointing out an error in his work.

This poor communication marked by accentuating the negative and down playing the positive, rules many families. As a result, children and parents become total strangers to each other. Have you ever heard of children who sit with parents on the same table for the first time on their graduation parties? I guess you wouldn't like this to happen to your child.

Here is how to build intimacy:

Friendship or intimacy does not fall from the sky. You must initiate it. If you want a friendly child, be a friend to the child.

Friendship and discipline go hand in hand. It is easier to discipline a child who views you as a friend than one who detests you as an enemy. A child who loves you will strive to do only what pleases you.

Many parents find it difficult to initiate a conversation with their children because they are in different worlds. Use questions like: “Who is your best friend at school?” You can also use the child's questions and concern to initiate a talk. It all depends on the child's age.

Teenagers are especially sensitive. However, if you develop an intimate relationship early enough, teenage years should not be a problem. One teenager told me that his father never discussed anything with him apart from school issues. “Aren't there better things a father can discuss with his son apart from report form and school matters?” he asked. Find interesting pegs to a conversation and do not ask questions that make your child feel that you are interrogating him/her.

The best conversation between you and your child occurs when others are not around. Organize regular outings to places of your preference. Break the home monotony and make the child feel relaxed.

Research shows reduced incidences of stress, suicide, drug abuse and teenage pregnancies among children who hold regular talks with their parents.

An important part of communication is not just talking, but listening. Pay attention to your child's feelings and do not interrupt when he/she is telling a story. It all begins with accepting and valuing your child as a human being.

NOTE: This article first appeared in The New Vision (Kampala,Uganda) Monday, June 6, 2005 under Education: http://www.newvision.co.ug.

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